Parker Review and Trailer

parkerstathamone-star2Believe you me, if ever there was a movie to make me want to start smoking weed again for the sole purpose of having a short-term memory loss, this is it.

I am not a big fan of movies that break the cinematic fourth wall which separates the viewer from what’s being viewed, and even though Parker isn’t one of those movies, I would have gladly welcomed that breaking of the fourth wall, especially had it been by way of a bullet from Jason Statham‘s eponymous Parker character into any part of my brain.  Alas, regardless of what the picture I chose for this post would suggest, no such luck ever came my way.  Not only am I alive and well, but now I have this horrible taste of a poorly written straight-to-DVD movie that has absolutely no right being in the cinemas stuck within a part of my brain for either the rest of my life, or until (knock on wood) I develop Alzheimer’s disease.

My biggest qualm with this movie isn’t in its failure to elicit any thrills or suspense – which, one look at this movie’s IMDb page would have any informed moviegoer believing they were in for – rather it’s the fact that this doesn’t even have enough action scenes to back up the claim so clearly being made within all the fist flying trailers, not to mention the casting choice of The Transporter himself which suggests the type of movie we’re supposedly in for.  Those of you, who like me, are going into this expecting a popcorn movie saturated in a bountifulness of butt-kicking butter, don’t get your hopes up.  The majority of this movie’s running time consists of long intentional lulls which serve to only complicate an otherwise simple plot of revenge.

Here’s what the plot should have been: A criminal who should have been killed by some other criminals seeks revenge from those who tried to kill him.  Now, given some interesting dialogue and unique action set pieces, that would have been a must-see action popcorn flick.  Maybe the one seeking revenge could have met each of the criminals alone and killed them off one by one.  Oh wait, Pretty sure I just described Kill Bill.  Well, FYI Taylor Hackford is no Quentin Tarantino – not even a second, third, or fourth-rate Tarantino.

Here’s what the plot actually was (spoiler alert): A criminal who should have been killed by some other criminals seeks revenge from those who tried to kill him, but first he has to pretend to buy a house from a real estate agent in order to find out where his targets are now living.  The real estate agent, who, in a perfect action movie world would be played by an extra and not given her own background story, becomes a part of the equation because, well… oh, I don’t know, because Jennifer Lopez needed the extra cash.  Yeah, that’s it.  It’s the only reason that makes sense to me.

Speaking of J-Lo, this movie does contain a bikini bottom shot of her booty. So yeah, there is that. That’s worth at least one star, even if it is a booty double, right?

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