Instead of “The Amazing Spider-Man 2”, watch these 20 MOVIES ABOUT SPIDERS

Hey guys! The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is opening on May 2nd! You know where I’ll be opening day?

At home. Drinking beer. Watching movies about big-ass spiders.


 1. TARANTULA (1955)

The Granddaddy Long Legs of all big spider flicks, this entertaining knock-off of 1954’s Them! features a cameo by a young Clint Eastwood. The first in a proud tradition of arachnid attacks, Tarantula also has one of the weirdest reasons in cinema for accidentally creating a giant spider: they were trying to end world hunger. I guess we can’t be hungry if we’re all murdered by a giant tarantula.


 2. ICE SPIDERS (2007)

A personal favorite of mine, this Sy-Fy schlock epic is best known for giving us an inexplicably fascinating protagonist in the wisecracking ski instructor Dan ‘Dash’ Dashiell (Patrick Muldoon), a former U.S. marine and world-renowned ski champ who tragically shattered his legs (along with his shot at the Olympic gold). Dash gets his shot at redemption when his ski school comes under siege by– who would have guessed– genetically modified snow spiders. As Dash would say: “You wanna see my scars?”


3. SPIDERS (2000)

The poor man’s Willem Dafoe decides to just go right ahead and tinker around with spider DNA on the behalf of NASA, because as we all know, Spiders + Science + Space = Profit. Of course, everything just gets fucked right up. Seriously though, has there ever been an experiment involving spiders that didn’t end with giant spiders running amok and killing people? Why do we keep doing this?


4. SPIDERS II: BREEDING GROUND (2001)

For all the rabid fans of the original Spiders that were just howling for more, here is the exact same movie, only this time on a boat! I would almost say this is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the franchise, but that’s an insult to Spiders II: Breeding Ground.


5. SPIDERS 3D (2013)

Of no relation to Spiders, Spiders II: Breeding Ground, or David Cronenberg‘s Spider (which is not about spiders), Spiders 3D (released on home video as just Spiders, to add to the confusion) is actually the spiritual successor to Ice Spiders, reuniting director Tibor Takács with actor Patrick Muldoon (badass ski instructor Dan “Dash” Dashiell, if you’re keeping notes). Make no mistake, Takács and Muldoon are the Giant Spider Movie equivalent of Scorsese and DiCaprio.


6. ARACHNOPHOBIA (1990)

Functional wino Jeff Daniels teams up with cinema’s hippest exterminator John Goodman in this popular 90’s favorite. Provides further evidence that beneath his schmaltzy humanist exterior, executive producer Steven Spielberg secretly wants us all to be murdered by spiders.


7. KISS OF THE TARANTULA (1976)

A disturbed little girl sends her pet tarantula out on little missions to kill her enemies, including her own mother. This film is every bit as incredible as it sounds.


8. CAMEL SPIDERS (2007)

A gloriously awful parade of hokey CGI spider attacks, half-heartedly fended off by airsoft guns with post-production muzzle flares. Includes another valiant effort by C. Thomas Howell to destroy his own career.


9. EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1958)

Originally just called The Spider, this giant spider movie is notable for its giant spider being impaled by stalagmites. So, you know. Be on the lookout for that.


10. THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975)

It’s kind of hard to focus on the giant spider invasion at hand with all the human-interest subplots clogging this thing up. I mean, Jesus, there’s more going on in this movie than Magnolia. In fact, a P.T. Anderson remake should definitely be arranged, possibly with Joaquin Phoenix playing all of the spiders in a mo-cap suit. Photoshop wizards, I request an artist’s rendition of what this might look like in the Comments section.


11. EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS (2002)

David Arquette, AKA Deputy Duey from Scream, takes on hordes of CGI spiders in this fairly big-budget flick. In my book, there’s nothing wrong with this.


12. WEBS (2003)

So incredibly hard to find that the only footage on the entire internet is the above Spanish-dubbed clip, Webs involves some kind of alternate spider dimension. Or something. OK, I haven’t seen it.


13. TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO (1977)

This made-for-TV Tom Atkins vehicle teaches us that a plane crash in a rural town is another thing that can lead to a deadly spider invasion. Sadly, its 20-second trailer gives the entire movie away.


14. MESA OF LOST WOMEN (1953)

Hey! This movie has giant spiders in it too! However, I recommend not watching it and maybe going outside for a nice long walk.


 15. KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977)

William Shatner vs. Spiders. Need I say more?


 16. HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (1960)

It’s an island with spiders on it. Horror ensues.


 17. THE BLACK SCORPION (1957)

Yeah, it’s mostly about giant scorpions. But I swear there’s a giant spider somewhere in this movie. Giant worms too, if you’re into that sort of thing.


18. BIG-ASS SPIDER (2013)

Haven’t seen this one yet, but I believe it’s about a spider with a big ass.


19. IN THE SPIDER’S WEB (2007)

This beautifully awful made-for-TV crapsterpiece stars Lance Fucking Henricksen as Dr. Lecorpus, a Kurtz-like leader of a tribe of spider worshippers. In other words, proof that God exists and wants us to be happy.


20. SPIDER (2007)

Nine minutes of pure genius, Nash Edgerton‘s Spider is seriously one of the best short films of all time and a master class in the art form. Click above to watch the whole thing.

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