David Wnendt’s “Wetlands” Review and Trailer

get.doThere are a lot of good dirty jokes in the world, and then there is this, the equivalent of a knock knock joke that goes something like this:
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“Anus”
“Anus who?”
“…Uhh Anus”

Not only does Helen, the film’s protagonist, have a lot of growing up to do, but clearly so too does David Wnendt, the filmmaker responsible for this trash – and that’s coming from someone who can – and does – enjoy the sleaze found in Trash Humpers (2009) and Pink Flamingoes (1972) just as much as the next shockauteur does. I also don’t have any trouble sitting through uncomfortable scenes of teens discovering themselves as sexual beings, like that of the sperm scene in The Squid and the Whale (2005) or in just about any awkward scene from almost any Todd Solondz film. In other words, my distaste for the onslaught of vulgarity and crudeness that exists in Wetlands is not because I am a prude. Far from it.

No, my hate for this movie, aside from its ugly amateurish digital aesthetics, is that it exists for no other reason than to be as outlandish as possible without ever saying anything worth a damn. As if trudging through the incessant narration of dialogue seemingly written by a 10-year-old who was let loose on a book of Mad Libs after memorizing all the juicy bits of The Joys of Sex or the Wikipedia page for the word kink wasn’t bad enough, Wnendt takes it even further by not given any of this coming-of-sexual-age nonsense any kind of actual point.

Those of you out there looking for a movie saturated in horrible voice-over descriptions of swollen hemorrhoids, self-inflicting anus wounds, anal fissures, how to keep one’s vagina as unsanitary as possible, finding a perfect masturbatory vegetable, their father’s cock, etc., dive right in. I, however, do not need to waste 105 minutes in order to see scene after scene, line after line, and moment after moment of a film trying way too hard to be cooler than it actually is, which is why I plan on never seeing this film again.

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