Susanne Bier’s “Serena”

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 FADE IN:

EXT. CZECH REPUBLIC FILM SET (2012) – DAY

BRADLEY COOPER is chopping down trees with EXTRAS.

BRADLEY COOPER

Grumble mumble mumble timber.

A gruesome CGI timber accident takes place. Nobody cares.

AWKWARD CUT TO:

Bradley and UNKNOWN WOMAN are watching JENNIFER LAWRENCE on a horse.

UNKNOWN WOMAN

That girl on a horse is a real grumble mumble.

BRADLEY COOPER

Mumble grumble I will marry her.

UNKNOWN WOMAN

All my other scenes were cut.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Bradley Cooper fucks Jennifer Lawrence? Hard to tell.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

EXT. CZECH REPUBLIC FILM SET – DAY

Bradley and Jennifer see PREGNANT WOMAN.

BRADLEY COOPER

I knocked her up.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I don’t care.

AWKWARD CUT TO:

INT. TOWN HALL MEETING – DAY

Toby Jones presents an old timey Power Point presentation on wood.

TOBY JONES

Wood grumble! State parks mumble!

BRADLEY COOPER

But money! Grumble mumble!

Extras seem to enjoy both sides of the argument.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

EXT. WOODS – DAY

RHYS IFANS keeps getting work, this time in a HAT.

RHYS IFANS IN HAT

Cor blimey, I’m an American, innit, bruv?

BRADLEY COOPER

I want to shoot a panther. Grumble.

RHYS IFANS IN HAT

OY! My hand just got cut off in a tragic lumber axe-ident. I like your wife though!

BRADLEY COOPER

Mumble.

 DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WOODS – DAY

Bradley Cooper shoots his FRIEND. Nobody cares.

A BEAR passes by.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

INT. BED – DAY

More fucking? Too dark to tell.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I’m pregnant. Now I’m not.

BRADLEY COOPER

Grumble?

AWKWARD CUT TO:

EXT. CABIN – NIGHT

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I’ve decided I do care about that pregnant woman from earlier. I’ve hired that nice one-handed bloke Rhys Ifans to kill her and your biological son in cold blood.

BRADLEY COOPER

I don’t remember that plot thread.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Mumble.

EXT. TRAIN – NIGHT

Knife fight?

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS – DAY

Animals and fire kill remainder of cast.

CUT TO:

INT. DISTRIBUTOR’S OFFICE (2015) – DAY

DISTRIBUTOR 1

Jesus fucking Christ. This film is unwatchable and incoherent. It’s been sitting on the shelf for three years. What do we do?

DISTRIBUTOR 2

Eh, it’s got A-list actors in it. Dump it in a few theaters and VOD.

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL CREDITS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

 

Serena Opens this Friday, March 27th at The Piedmont (Oakland) and Shattuck Cinemas (Berkeley)

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Categories: Reviews

2 Comments on “Susanne Bier’s “Serena””

  1. April 2, 2015 at 8:13 pm #

    Genius, Sean. This is one of the best things I’ve read on here, period. It’s certainly not inaccurate either.

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