Kriv Stenders’ “Kill Me Three Times”

simon_pegg_kriv_stenders_kill_me_three_timesCongratulations are in order to first time screenwriter James McFarland, and the director, Mr. IBroughtNnothingNewOrOriginalToThatCrimeSub-genreOfHitmenSituationsGoneAwry Kriv Stenders. I mean what the hell kind of topsy-turvy world are we living in where the two of you can receive worldwide theatrical distribution for this piece of unimaginative and pointlessly trite mess, while other vastly superior talents have to succumb to the reality of watching their movies go straight-to-VOD and/or DVD? Oh, now I’m pissed! Listen, just about the only thing this movie got right is its swift 90 minute run time. At least too much of my life wasn’t wasted.

As if the exuding blandness of a plot which is not worth describing isn’t brutal enough, must I also be subjected to the continuous onslaught of an early to mid-90s rendition of what “cool” muzwhack is supposed to sound like? Apparently I do. No joke, the generic music, which is in every single scene by the way, isn’t even fit for a 1992 Casio keyboard demo.

Here’s the thing, it’s not as if any excruciating minute of this crap is supposed to be taken as self reverential tounge-in-cheek humor, nor is it smart enough, or are any of the characters written to have any kind of personality trait worth a damn, for me to have an invested interest in anything or anyone that is transpiring on screen. Ahhhhhhh, fuck this movie!! Yeah, I’m still pissed again!

If I wanted a wannabe copycat void-of-soul non-funny cartoonish version of the classic films that this is trying to be e.g., Blood Simple, Pulp Fiction, and hell, even Lock, Stock and Two Barrels then I would have… wait a minute… seriously? Who would want a lesser version of anything? Scratch that. If I ever, I mean EVER, go out of my way to seek out a movie I know will be a lesser version of another movie  – with any intent other than to make fun of it – than that will be the day I quit watching movies all together.

In short, fuck this movie. I honestly feel bad for every actor associated with this. For the record, I don’t blame them. Although I still love me some Simon Pegg, his talents are completely wasted here.

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